If i come over, it means nothing
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
