I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I checked into jail on foursquare
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
