Moan for me like Helen Keller
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
