Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize