so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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