i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
