So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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