I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
