I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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