dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
