it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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