if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
