toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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