I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
