There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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