My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
