Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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