my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Randomize
