pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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