you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Cover your peen. We're going out.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize