I cannot find my penis.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
