Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
