hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
