We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
