So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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