sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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