I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
