he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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