Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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