I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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