So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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