turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize