Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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