playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
