the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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