Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
