So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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