I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
