Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
