I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
