If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
