Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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