I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
