We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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