One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
