She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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