dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
