So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
