she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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