Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
