i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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