I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
