Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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