We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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