so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
