is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
