I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
