When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
