I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
