he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
